I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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