I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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