i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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