I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
