I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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