4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
