I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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