took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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