It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
