she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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