I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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