yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
bring money and cleavage
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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