Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
