the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
i out mim tonsoeep
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
