she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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