dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
