I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
