It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
