Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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