I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
