maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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