my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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