How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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