its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
