I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
