i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
