So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
