farters have to be the big spoon...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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