Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
