I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
