i jhust puked up my retainher.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
