Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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