he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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