yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
