i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
