Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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