I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
