yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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