i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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