there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
