i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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