god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
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