and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
