I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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