really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
