Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
this hospital has no fireball
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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