and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
