What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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