note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
