yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
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My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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