So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
