Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
She needs sedatives and a leash
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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