anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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