I skipped work to stalk him.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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