I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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