I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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